Monday, October 08, 2007

Ooh, A New Job!

This document, along with a copy of my real, honest-to-goodness resume, is in an envelope on my desk waiting to be mailed because it's goddamn Columbus Day, which means that the mail doesn't run on days commemorating genocide. I honestly think I have a shot at it.

Pittsburgh Pirates
Baseball Operations
115 Federal Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15212
Attn: Mr. Neal Huntingdon, General Manager

Dear Mr. Huntingdon:

I am writing in regards to the open managerial position within the Pirates’ organization. As a lifelong fan, I am whole-heartedly dedicated to bringing this team back to the glorious champions they were two decades ago.

As I am sure you do not need to be reminded, a large portion of the Pirates’ problem over the last several years has been personnel issues. It never seemed as though the right players were on the field. As a Human Resources professional at the University of Pittsburgh, I have much experience in selecting the best person for a job. I feel confident that I could select solid relief pitchers, a position that has caused many a loss for the team. I believe that I have the judgment and foresight to not bench players who are on a hot streak. In short, my experience in handling personnel will certainly come in handy when I become the new Pirates manager.

Moreover, it’s been well-noted that the Pirates’ young franchise needs discipline, and that former manager Jim Tracy did not do much in the way of providing it. Let’s face it, no one provides discipline like a woman. I will run this team like a tight ship. I will instill in the players a sense of pride in the organization. Moreover, I am fairly certain that my screaming will frighten umpires nationwide.

I realize that my lack of baseball management experience may be considered a factor against me in your final hiring decision; however, I’d like to point out that I’ve watched approximately 75% of all Pirates games in the last three years, and more like 50% before that. If you take into account that I began consciously viewing Pirates' games around the age of eight, that means I've watched approximately 1,419 games since 1992, the last year we had a winning season. Furthermore, I also have not been to work on Opening Day in the last three years. I truly believe this qualifies as experience. This, coupled with my desire to rejuvenate a team that has been losing for more than half my lifetime, will make me one of the most successful managers in history, if only you will give me a chance.

Attached is my resume for your consideration. Please feel free to contact me at the phone number or email address listed on my resume if you would like to discuss this further.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I greatly look forward to hearing from you. Let’s go Bucs!



Kacyn said...


That is an amazing letter. I can't see one reason why you should not get the position. None. At all.


MattJ said...

Not being a Baseball officionado, I think you'd do a much better job of telling someone to hit a ball with a stick or throw a ball at a man for 3 hours than anyone else! :)

5 of 9er said...


Laura said...

I think you're highly qualified. And if you do get the job, can I please get some Pirate's pens, cups, maybe a mouse pad?