Dear Next Door Neighbors:
Hi! You live next door to us. You seem like nice guys, in that you always say hello when we pass you in the alley. You do some little things that annoy me, like discarding your empty cigarette packs onto our stairs, but I just pick them up and throw them away, and say nothing about it.
Your back porch is next to our back porch, which means that it is located all of 15 yards from our bedroom window. Okay. You have dogs. I love dogs. I do. I truly love all animals. Ask Robbo. I’ve been mere seconds away from grabbing strays and bringing them into our house. He hates when I do this. He also can’t take me to PetCo without me sitting on the floor, cooing at the mice and hamsters and guinea pigs and begging, "Please, pleaaaase can’t we get one? I swear to GOD I’ll feed it and clean up after it I promise!!!"
Yeah. Now that I think about it…maybe Robbo hates me. Anyway.
My dear neighbors, here’s the thing about your dogs. Well, all dogs, really. They poop. They poop a lot, and their poop smells.
Okay, that being said…
Things a responsible dog owner does not do:
1) PERMIT THEIR DOGS TO POOP ALL OVER THEIR BACK PORCH AND THEN NEVER CLEAN IT UP, AND LET IT FESTER IN HOT AND MISERABLY HUMID PITTSBURGH DAYS.
Seriously, it smells awful. Awful! In order to do anything with my garden, I have to wear a bandanna over my face. I swear the acid-poop smell is making the tomatoes turn black and drop from the vines. Gross!
So that sucks. But here’s the thing I really don’t get. If you refuse to clean up the mounds (literally, MOUNDS) of dog poop on your back porch, how the hell is it possible that you manage to have drunk broads out on the porch in the middle of the night ON A MONDAY NIGHT? Because, as you may already know, my most favorite thing in the whole world is to be woken from a dead sleep by some girl shrieking (15 yards from our open bedroom window, remember), “Fuck you! Fuck you and your perfect body, you cunt!!”
Ugh!
You know what, neighbors? I think I might hate you.
Love,
kT
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4 comments:
maybe the landlord might give a shit, no pun intended.
Maybe "Rico Suave" had some more information than you thought??
I feel really bad for you... stinky poop on the back porch... barf.
Yes indeed, and what fine boobs, so there ! I guess you showed them.
Gunn Lino
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