Reasons Robbo and I Should Never Procreate

Subtitle: Other than Passing on Genes for Big Noses and Big Heads


You know, sometimes you start to feel old. And you start to look at the person next to you in bed and you think, “I wonder what our kid would be like.” Do you ever do this? Maybe you don’t even want kids, but I think that most people, at some point, imagine procreating with their current partner.

And thus I decided, Robbo and I should never have kids.

And here’s why. We briefly discussed it, kicked around the notion, you know. For giggles. And THIS was his idea. AKA, the worst parenting idea ever:
So, you have a kid. Let’s call him Bill. Now, let’s assume that Bill is an only child. What if you constantly compared Bill to his nonexistent brother, Carl? And never explained to Bill why you do this?
Such as: “Carl cleaned his plate. WHY CAN’T YOU?! Carl gets A’s in Algebra, WHY CAN’T YOU?!”
Just to see what would happen.

I said, “Robbo, that’s disgusting. You can’t do that to a kid! Kids are not experiments!”

So then, he pitched this idea. AKA, the new worst parenting idea ever: So, you have a kid. An only child. Now, what if Robbo called the child Bill, while I called the child Carl? And what if we never provided any justification for this, or even acknowledged that it happened? You know, just to see what would happen.



Moments like these make you wonder, who am I really sleeping next to? Then I made him an appointment to get a vasectomy.