Thursday, March 08, 2007

Things that Suck about Other Things, Vol. 1

Today is going to be the first in a series of recurring entries, much like my Hero of the Day entries, which I am going to call “Things that Suck about Other Things.”

The title needs some work, I know.

Because this is the inaugural entry, I’m going to discuss not one but two things that suck about other things.


Lucky you.

1) Google Earth.

“Hi! I’m Google Earth! I can show you a close-up of your home from a SATELLITE IN OUTER SPACE! Oh look! Your boyfriend’s car was parked out front when I took the picture! This is what his conservative, mid-size family sedan looks like from a SATELLITE IN OUTER SPACE! Wow!

Oh! Did you want driving directions across the city? I can do that. You want driving directions across the country? I can do that! I’m amazing. I am so technologically advanced, I don’t even understand myself. Cut me, and I bleed technology!

What’s that? You want walking directions somewhere? Or biking directions? Maybe you want to see exactly how long your running course is. Well that should be simple—oh. Wait. You live in the city. There are one-way streets. System cannot process going the wrong way down one-way streets, because system thinks like a car. You’re shit out of luck. Sorry Toots, can’t help ya.”

2) Ice.

Yesterday I had a mildly crappy day at work. Nothing big, just same old same old. Robbo had also had a mildly crappy day, so naturally we hit up our local liquor store and grabbed a bottle of cheap wine (no, not Carlo Rossi…unfortunately.) We exited the store gleefully, bottle clutched in my right hand when—whap—I bit it, right there on a patch of ice in the parking lot. My left knee struck the ground first, followed by, yup, you guessed it, my right hand.

The sound of the bottle hitting the pavement was the worst sound I’ve ever heard.

I rose slowly. Somewhat blankly, I stood on the ice as the wine streamed to the ground like blood from a wound, brown slush staining the knees of my jeans, outright weeping.

My poor boyfriend. He deserves a trophy for every day he lives with me.


MattJ said...

Yeah when I was over in Pitt, i was usin some crappy multimap or something to find out how to walk from her place in Oakland up to some of the mnore intersting places and the first day it took me about 1/2 hour to walk what shoulda taken me about 5 minutes. having said that i kinda knew the direction i wante dot be in, I was just paranoid about gettin lost and getting shot in the face by a crazed hill billy in a KKK outfit who was riding his pig on the way to the Nuke store.

Lucky I didn't let Tv and Movies influence my stereotypes.

Julie_Gong said...

That is a sad sad day.