New Years Resolutions are for Pussies

So, in the spirit of the new year, I made the same resolutions that I’m sure many people across the country had also made, which boil down to “generally bettering myself.”

I’m on day 11 of no cigarettes. None! I think I’m pretty much good on that. Trust me, I'm as surprised as you are.
I’ve been to the gym four whole times in the last ten days. Are you kidding me? Four times! That’s a goddamn miracle! I normally wouldn’t even wash my hair four times in ten days. Wow!

So I’m feeling lighter, I’ve got more energy, no cigarettes, runnin’ on a treadmill, woooo! I’m more upbeat and positive, I’m more accommodating to others, I’m getting to work earlier and getting more done while I’m there, and I’m noticing a lot of smiley faces and exclamation points in my “sent items” mailbox.

And then I realize, the new me sucks.

If 2006 old-school Katie met 2007 new-fangled Katie on the street, she’d probably laugh at her, then ash her cigarette on new 2007 Katie’s shoe when new 2007 Katie was distracted by like, a really cute puppy or a rainbow or something.

I’m best when I’m crabby and eating food that is bad for me, preferably while being sedentary. The best time to catch me is on a Sunday with a hangover and a bunch of greasy Chinese food. I’m funniest this way. I may be less palatable to the general public, but I’m certainly more palatable to me, and in the end, shouldn’t that be what matters?

How bizarre is this—I’m sticking to my resolutions but I feel pretty damn bad about me. Is it possible that I’ve been cynical so long that I can’t ever stop?

Ugh. What to do?

You know, over the course of the last few years I came up with several scenarios that I’d challenge myself with whenever I wasn’t sure what to do.

They include, as follows:
WWJBD? (What Would Jerome Bettis Do?)
WWAWKD? (What Would Andrew WK Do?)
WWTDFDLD? (What Would The Drummer From Def Leppard Do?)
WWMPD? (What Would Mr. Poopies Do? [this one is usually useless, as Mr. Poopies, my cat, usually does nothing.])

Today, I think I’ll go with WWAWKD?

Me: Hey, Andrew WK! What do you think I should do in this situation?
Andrew WK:




Good call, Andrew WK. I think maybe I WILL quit being such a pussy. Thanks!