The Future's So Bright...I Need A Flashlight

This morning, on my hurried walk to the bus stop, I encountered two of the most horrifying couples I’ve ever seen. All four in their early teens, all four white (and seemingly unaware of this) the quartet sauntered (and I do mean sauntered) down East Carson Street at a snail’s pace. Four wide. On a city sidewalk.

Well fine, it was early, maybe they were groggy. Maybe they didn’t notice me directly behind them, clearing my throat and saying “excuse me” every five or six seconds while stutter-stepping around, trying to get by them. And I mean, the white guy in the XXXL Paul Pierce Celtics jersey (I had to look that up; I don’t give two shits about the NBA) was clearly distracted, what with digging all five fingers on his left hand into his broad’s ample, white-demined booty. Furthermore, I shouldn’t have tried to distract the other couple, as they were so obviously trying not to trip over their knee-length tshirts. I’m an idiot. With these facts in mind, I walked into the street, on the opposite side of some parked cars, and hopped back on the sidewalk in front of the wall of love on the sidewalk.
White-demin girl tsks (loudly) at me. “Whattafuckwasthat?” she asks. Um…I think that’s what she asked, anyway.

I turn around. She seems to think I’m looking at her man. She sneers at me. Yeah, I totally have a thing for 5’4 white dudes in 6’4 shirts. I find the “my-legs-are-only-7-inches-long” look to be incredibly sexy.

I get to the bus stop and plop myself on the stoop of (some Southside sports bar. Who cares which? They’re all the same.) The Fearsome Foursome roll up. Pierce-jersey guy is telling a story.

“…and she was all, ‘no Tony, don’t do it,’ and I was like, ‘Fuck you, bitch!’ [makes backhanding-someone-in-the-face gesture] WHAP! Hah!”
White-denim and her friend, Eyeliner, titter like chipmunks in a Disney movie. Other guy, whose only distinguishing feature is his doo-rag, looks at his buddy in amazement. Why can’t he be that tough? God. What a hero his friend Pierce-jersey guy is. Hot damn.

Yeah, okay, that's pretty bad. But perhaps you're wondering why I referred to these two couples as "horrifying." As the bus pulled up, I realized that these kids are pretty much the future of this country.

And my friends, I'd say the future looks bleak.