Another Pittsburgh Sports Post, Because I Know You Were Wasting Away Without One

Subtitle: I Really Abuse the “Open Letter” Format, Huh?

Part I: An Open Letter to the 2007 Pittsburgh Pirates

Dear Buccos:

162-0.

That is all.

Love,
kT



Part II: An Open Letter to Jordan Staal

Dear Jordan Staal:

Hi! How are ya? Hell of a season, lemme tell ya. No one thought you’d have a breakout year like this. In fact, I’m surprised you weren’t sent back down to the minors at the beginning of the year. But you weren’t, and you really, truly made this season possible. Thank you. Seriously. You’re a damn good player, and I expect to see big things out of you.

Moreover, you’re kind of cute. The fact that you play a professional sport makes you OHMYGOD LIKE THE HOTTEST THING EVERRR! according to a lot of dumb broads’ MySpace surveys that I read. Because they cannot wait for your 18-year-old self to roll up to their front door and take them somewhere really nice, like Chuckie Cheese or the playground.

Anyway, totally not the point. I just wanted to thank you for a great season, and tell you that I hope you kick as much ass in the playoffs as you did all year.

Oh. I almost forgot. Just one thing. Could you do me one little favor? Please?



Could you please PUT THAT GODDAMN MOUTH GUARD BACK INTO YOUR MOUTH WHERE IT BELONGS. I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF WATCHING YOU CHEW THAT SHIT LIKE A COW ON STEROIDS. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, I THINK I CAN SEE YOUR SPIT DRIPPING OFF IT. GROSS, JORDAN STAAL. SERIOUSLY GROSS.

Thanks!
Love,
kT

PS: That may have been the only photo I could find of you chewing your mouth guard on the internet, but you and I (and everyone who watches hockey) know you’re doing it ALL THE GODDAMN TIME.