Elections. Or, Why I Hate All Old People Except for My Grandmother (Subtitle: Hero of the Day Vol.3)

So the election is over, mostly. We’re still waiting to hear about Montana and Virginia in the Senate, but the Republicans will probably win those because whenever there is controversy, they just go ahead and legislate into a win. But I’m not going to talk about that, because I don’t talk about smart stuff on my blog.

What I want to talk about is how my polling place was 1) held in an day care center for senior citizens with developmental disabilities called Elderberry Junction; and 2) run by what appeared to be residents of the center.

“Ohhh, Robert!” cooed the oldest woman ON EARTH, to Robbo. “That’s my favorite name!”

I laugh politely. She stops smiling and batting her dusty old eyelashes at Robbo for just long enough to sneer and bare her old lady teeth at me, then goes back to smiling at him. I’m taken aback. I am also slightly intoxicated.
Naturally, Robbo turns on his Rico-Suave*-like charms (see also: How Robbo Got Me in the Sack.) Every time I laugh politely, which I continue to do because I am slightly intoxicated, she glares at me.

The other two old women at the table, who were clearly the second-oldest and third-oldest women on earth, didn't say a word to me. Just glared. After they got finished telling Robbo about where they lived, their pets, and their children.

Old ladies. I don’t get it. They must hate me because when I sit down to eat, I don’t have to move my boobs aside to put my napkin in my lap.

So, we walk over to the electronic voting machines, which I didn’t find nearly as perplexing as the ostensibly retarded old fat man in the too-small t-shirt, stained with drool and what appeared to be barbecue sauce, who was sticking an 8-track cassette in the side of my machine. He was also grinning at me with less teeth than I have fingers. This guy is going to ensure that my vote counts? Yikes.

In summation, as you can clearly see, old people suck. Except for my grandmother, who called me to remind me to vote so we can get that (and I quote) “son-of-a-bitch Santorum out of office." Now that's the kind of old lady America needs more of. Good work, Nana! I indirectly credit your slandering of that bigot Rick Santorum with taking him out of the Senate. You're my HERO OF THE DAY!









*Oh, and just in case you forgot what Rico Suave looks like, here: