Christ al-fucking-mighty! So yesterday, I go to my new doctor for an annual lady exam. Gross, right? Okay. And as all you women out there know, stressful enough. Nothing says “oh my god, this really sucks” more than the words “slide down to the bottom of the table and put your feet in the stirrups.”
But enough about that. The point is, because I am a conscientious kind of girl, I got an HIV test. Now, I know I don’t have HIV. There is no possible way that I do. But still, I believe people should get them. As often as necessary. And I figured, while I’m here, what the hell?
My doctor cannot administer the test. In fact, she has to write me a prescription to get the test. I ask her how I get my results. She says, “I think they mail them in 2-3 weeks.” This doesn’t sound right to me. People who actually think they may have HIV should not have to wait 2-3 weeks for the mail to come. And neither should I. So I ask the girl at the desk how I get my results. She says, “I have no idea.” Well then. Thank you.
I go down to the outpatient lab on the first floor to have the test done. I ask the girl who takes my blood how to get my results. She says, “Oh, just call your doctor tomorrow and ask if we’ve faxed the results up to them.” I say, “Oh! Okay,” because this is the first person who is making any sense whatsoever.
So today. I call my doctor’s office and ask if the results have been faxed up. The woman who answers the phone LAUGHS (because this whole situation is hi-larious! Especially for me! I’m so glad that I have this to break up the stressful monotony of my day!) She says, between chuckles, “They can’t fax results of HIV tests. Call back on Monday.”
So now I’m angry. I decide to call the lab where my blood was taken. The man who answers tells me that in order to obtain my results, I have to physically come to the hospital and knock on the door of a lab on the 4th floor to get my results. WHAT?! No. If that’s even true, I don’t have time for this. And if it’s not, what kind of asshole am I going to look like knocking on the door of some lab going, “Hi, do I have HIV? No? I didn’t think so. Thanks.”
And moreover, am I the first fucking person in history to have an HIV test done at Magee? Seriously, it’s an entire hospital system specializing in women’s reproductive health—and no one knows the protocol for a fucking HIV test?! There’s no memo that was sent out? The step-by-step procedure of administering an HIV test is not posted on a bulletin board somewhere? Come on!
Thus, in conclusion, everyone who works at Magee is fucking retarded, and should be replaced by cute little monkeys with cymbals that they clap together at random intervals because that would be far more useful than those goddamn scrub-wearing idiots.
GAH! I hate you, Magee!
2 comments:
I empathize with you. A 70 year old male gyno once told me that I was "the reason why our generation was going downhill" all because I asked about birth control or something equally as simple. No more male gynos for me.
Great idea about the monkey's!
As far as HIV tests go, it is a fucking joke. Without going into too much detail, I know people who have been in serious need of HIV test results (through no fault of their own) and they've been kept waiting for the best part of a month. I know i happens here and I know of at least one other 'developed' country it happens in.
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